Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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