My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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