Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
