I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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