You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
