I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
