highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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