I just threw up on my dentist
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
