Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
