it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You should frame my arrest warrant.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
