i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
So drunk its hurt
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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