"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
