Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The air was thick with penises
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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