What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
