i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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