I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
