I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
