Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
