he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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