He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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