So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
