Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
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We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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