Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
