he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
