I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
