I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
