lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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