Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
