whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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