I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
