i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
