The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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