i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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