he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
