Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
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I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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