actually, I'm a sock model
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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