I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
