So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
