The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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