fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
