last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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