I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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