I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
