Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
