I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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