If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
