LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
