I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
