Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
