just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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