Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
