I just cut my nipple shaving
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
