Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
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He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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