Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
