My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
