i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
