One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
