I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
