On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
