the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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